Happy Friendsday, interwebbers! (Two made up words in the opening sentence- this is starting off strong.)
Today, I’ve got a post from one of my favorite bloggers, Sharideth Smith. She’s got an awesome site called “A Woman’s Guide to Women: A Blog for Men” in which she dispenses healthy relationship advice better than Dr. Phil, but with roughly the same amount of facial hair. In the immortal words of the Beastie Boys- CHECK IT:
Terrible Dating Advice from the Bible
There’s plenty of helpful stuff in the Bible. It tells us how to love each other and how to be decent and how to not burn in the eternal hellfire of damnation. So awesome. What it doesn’t talk a whole lot about is dating. In fact, when it does touch on wooing, it’s pretty horrifying. It almost always ends badly.
Dinah and Shechem – Genesis 34
Guy sees girl in a field. Girl looks pretty fine. Guy rapes girl. Guy asks girl’s father if he can marry her. Girl’s brothers get all homicidal. Guy gets circumcised and murdered.
Poorly played, my friend, poor-ly played.
As a rule, raping sets the wrong tone for romance.
David and Bathsheba – 2 Samuel 11
Guy sees girl from the roof. Guy creepily watches girl bathe. Guy takes girl. Guy uses entire enemy army to kill girl’s husband. Guy marries girl. God gets ticked and kills guy’s baby that was birthed by his stolen wife.
I get that she was looker, but c’mon, man. Murder? Really? I’m not sure that sends the right message about your commitment level. Or sanity.
Samson and Delilah – Judges 16
Guy falls for girl. Girl takes bribe to date guy. Girl sets guy up to be bound and afflicted four times. Guy tells girl how to do it properly. Guy gets his eyes gouged out and hauled away.
Four times. She set him up to be enslaved and tortured four times. After the first one would’ve been a good time to leave, but this idiot not only stuck around, he told her how to defeat him just to get her to stop nagging.
If the person you’re dating starts asking how to enslave you, it’s time to bail and possibly get a restraining order.
Joseph and Potiphar’s wife – Genesis 39
Guy gets hit on by boss’ wife. Guy refuses cougar. Rinse. Repeat. Cougar gets fed up with rejection. Cougar accuses guy of attempted rape. Guy goes to prison.
No means no. You don’t try to get someone interested in being with you by constantly yelling “Lie with me!” It freaks guys right out. Boss’ wife or not, that’s just weird and way too aggressive.
The Bible is packed full of awesome, but when it comes to dating, it’s almost as bad as Men’s Health. You’re better off sticking with awkward invites to go out for coffee.
Or eating glass.
Sharideth is a wife, homeschooling mom, freelance writer, and rarely uses capital letters on her blog, A Woman’s Guide to Women: A Blog for Men.