Father’s Day

Posted: June 19, 2011 in Words

Happy day to all you dads out there! I hope you get to sleep late and watch the U.S. Open all afternoon in your recliner. I hope you get something awesome, not just some socks or a coffee mug with an eagle on it.

Having been a dad myself for almost two whole years, I feel like I’m probably an expert. So, in case there are any new fathers, non-fathers, or fathers-to-be reading this, I’d like to offer my top five pieces of advice to being a great daddy.

  1. Have fun. All the time, and never discipline your kids ever- leave that to Mom. You want to be the cool parent, the fun parent. Make sure they know Dad’s a safe place. Let mom be the disciplinarian. You don’t want to be the bad guy.
  2. Keep your kids happy. Give them whatever they want, as long as it keeps them happy. That’s your job as a parent- raise happy kids. If they’re pitching a fit or throwing a tantrum, it’s because they’re not happy. If you’ll give them whatever it is they want, they’ll be happy! This one seems too obvious.
  3. Don’t worry about “learning” too soon. That’s what schools are for. Before they go to school, they just need to play and watch TV and eat fruit snacks. They can start learning colors and letters and crap like that when they get to school. Do you pay taxes? Then you’re paying those teachers’ salaries. Let them earn it!
  4. Kids love TV. I don’t know who invented the television, but I guarantee they were a parent. It’s like a babysitter-in-a-box. You and the wife need some “alone time”? Plop that kid in front of the magic box, turn on an episode of Yo Dora Dora Clubhouse Gang, and voila! You’ve got at least thirty minutes of rest. Thanks, TV!
  5. Baby teeth aren’t really teeth. They fall out in a few years, so you don’t really have to worry about brushing them or anything. In fact, I’ve found that if you don’t brush them, they fall out even sooner. Then your kid is ahead of the game and you’ll be the envy of all the neighborhood parents because you’re kid is so dentally advanced.

I hope you and your kids have a great day together. Play some games, eat some candy, throw rocks at trains, go outside and throw sticks at each other- it’s Father’s Day! Celebrate! Live it up! And if anybody says you’re wrong, remind them that “Father Knows Best” was a TV show, and it wouldn’t be on TV if it wasn’t true.

  1. Jon says:

    Have you mastered the skilz for talking on those little phones separated by bullet-proof plexiglas-glass? No? Better start practicing.

  2. granna07 says:

    I think Sam must have written this!

  3. Edwin Christian says:

    Yea, right, and when do you start picking yourself off the floor?

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