In a previous post, I talked about the types of Facebook profile pics that seemed to be most prevalent. Today, I turn my attention to the status update. The little box that asks the simple question, “What’s on your mind?”
When FB asks that question, there are infinite ways to respond. There is no bottom to that well of answers, but many do fall into certain categories. Here are just a few, see if you agree:
- “Scripture from my Bible app.” One of the great things about the world we live in is easy access to information. Long gone are the days of anyone lugging around an actual printed copy of scripture. We’ve all got the YouVersion app, right? And all we have to do is highlight and tap “Share”- Boom! It’s posted. We read the Bible(app) and now everyone knows it and can be encouraged too!
- “Only ___ more (months/weeks/days/hours) until (whatever)!” The countdown status is incredibly versatile. Weddings, babies, trips, surgeries, season premieres- if it’s scheduled, you can countdown to it. I don’t mind at all. If it’s a big deal, it reminds me to say a little prayer for you. (Yeah, I do that. You don’t? I’ll pray for you.)
- “Funny comment or observation.” Everybody loves a good joke. (Emphasis on good.) So when you’re able to make me lol in 140 characters or less, I love it. Keep up the good work, funny guy. You’ve earned yourself a spot in my FB Hall of Fame. (Which doesn’t exist and comes with absolutely no benefits or rewards.)
- “i dont car about splling or anythin” Computers have spell check, phones have auto-correct. We should be able to nip this in the—is it bud or butt? I’ve never known. Doesn’t matter. It should be nipped in whatever place that happens. It shouldn’t take me longer to read your status than it took you type it, but if I have to decipher every other word that’s exactly what happens. You flew through that update so quickly that it’s gonna take me seventy-five seconds to figure out you’re on your way to the new vampire movie after dinner at Cheddar’s, and that’s an eternity in internet time.
- “I’m ’bout to get my _____ on!” I filed this under bad because it’s ridiculous. I don’t care what you fill the blank in with, it’s absurd. ‘Bout to get your tan on? ‘Bout to get your eat on? I’ve even seen a few on Sunday morning that say, “I’m ’bout to get my Jesus on!” I’m pretty sure even God rolls his eyes at that. Just go do that thing, don’t get it on. (Marvin Gaye is the exception. He can get it on.)
- “VirusVirusVirusVirus.” I always feel a little bad for the guy who accidentally posts a dirty link on three hundred walls because he wanted to see what that girl’s dad did. Just a little bad, though. Curiosity got him, and now he’s paying for it. Here’s some guidelines, friendos: If the same person has posted the same link on several different walls, it’s probably a virus. If the link or description seems out of character for that person, it’s a virus. If the picture accompanying the link is raunchy or gross, you shouldn’t click it anyway, weirdo.
- “I’m in a fight.” Some people use their status line to air dirty laundry like they just got home from camp. They don’t use names, often saying “some people” instead of “Susan” or “Bill”. I’d say it’s a passive-aggressive move, but it’s not. it’s just aggressive and inappropriate. Example: “I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but what’s done is done! Get over it! He’s MY DOG and I’ll feed him the generic stuff IF I WANT TO! UGH!”
- “Vague and depressing- I want a little attention.” Hey, we all have bad days, and I don’t think anyone minds if you vent a little online. If you want to say, “Late for work, spilled my latte, broke my femur- rough morning” I think everyone’s cool with that. But if it’s a bad day, at least tell us why. When you’re intentionally non-specific and darkly self-deprecating, it feels weird, and maybe like you’re fishing for compliments. Example: “I just want to cry. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve tried to make sense of it all, but I just feel lost…” (This could be about a loved one dying, or “Oprah” going off the air. Throw us a bone.)
- “This is going to make you uncomfortable!” Maybe I’m just super modest. I have been accused of that. (Mostly by my wife, who thinks it’s too much to wear socks and a veil to bed.) My rule is if I wouldn’t show you in public or say it from a stage, I’m not going to type it on Facebook. This can present kind of a hazy line, but it clears up if you pause and think about it. A great example: I have a Facebook friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and posts regularly about treatments and appointments. In my book, that’s OK. However, talking about the same body part with words like “feeding” or “pump” or “milk”- I can’t unread that. Don’t drive me down that road. That’s just one example, but you catch what I’m throwing, right?
There are plenty more, but this post is getting pretty long. Click the comment box and tell me what I left out.